Owner of this blog's note: Based on a quiz I found...somewhere.

10 years ago I...

1. Was so popular I had my own group of girls who follow me wherever I go in school.
2. Was so sensitive that once someone glares my way, I wept.
3. Was getting one of the highest marks for all of my subjects.

5 years ago I...

1. Was working like anything in Maths.
2. Was nervous about PSLE.
3. Was trying to cope with my situation and new ballet teacher.

3 years ago I...

1. Took part in investiture and officially became a member of PC council.
2. Became part of the first team for the Annual SJAB First Aid competition and joined the training for the Sinmal competition with Carlene.
3. Made the CCA banner and hence improve my relationships with Mei Yi, Carlene, Cheryl and Minfeng.

1 year ago I...

1. Nearly died trying to find my successors but became good friends with Rachel.
2. Studying like nobody's business for O'Level even though I was strutting down the school like I owned the place...
3. Went back to fully believing God and accepting him as my Lord and Saviour.

So far this year I...

1. Became more active in church and hence making more friends.
2. Improved myself so as to be a better person and Christian.
3. Decided not to go into a BGR until I'm 19, trying to go for the mission trip in June and trying to get permission to be baptized.

Yesterday I...

1. Went for Badger's Camp 2005 meeting in SJAB Headquarter.
2. Went to Esplanade with Caroline and my mum and found Handel's Messiah (whee!!), encouraged my sister on her '2 bars a day' music composition that is required in her MEP O'level examinations and told her that if she decides to write a symphony and premiere it on her 60th birthday (with much tears of joy after 44 years of hardwork...), I shall go and watch it and try not to fall asleep halfway through it like I did in all the music concerts I go to...Also, I promised her that I shall replay Halo 2 with her (from start to finish) if she passes her Chinese O'level exam...
3. Prayed and prayed and prayed and panicked because I couldn't find the stupid Eagles Award letter.

Today I...

1. Had a nightmare about a vampire chasing after me.(0_o)
2. Had a hell of a time trying to tie my hair so I look presentable in school.
3. Tried to be forgiving to my grandmother who has recklessly thrown the borders of the jigsaw puzzle that I so painstakingly fixed together (with sore eyes because I had to squint in the bad lightings of my room)...now I have to start all over again!!!

Tomorrow I will...

1. Start reading the 'How to invest your life in Others' mentoring book and do summaries for the 'Spiritual Leadership' book.
2. Stay home and brood over my results. (-_-)
3. Work hard at trying to fix down at least 10 pieces out of the 500-pieces jigsaw puzzle (which my grandma dismembered today...) Elene gave me for my birthday so that by the end of June, I can frame it up and hang it on the wall before I successfully graduate from Project Timothy...

+The times of my life are when I dance and forget the outside world. It is when I hang out with friends and family members and feel that I belong. Ultimately, it is when I share a quiet moment with God.+

My hamster has lived to a ripe old age of 3 years old, what more can I ask for? It's been a while since I think back of the times we had together. But when I reflect back, I realise there are some parts of my life that are similar to my hamster's.

My hamster has never bitten anyone before, it's always very tame and...hyperactive when it's outside its cage. Perhaps its used to be around humans- rough hands as that of my little cousins who like to shout and beat the cages to wake it up and still it never bites anyone. Sigh, they are little children after all. But anyway, sometimes, this reflects me. Sometimes I'm too tired to fight back. I give in to my situations and just...try to make the best of it. Like my hamster, I may be pushed around, disturbed and annoyed but just to keep things peaceful, I did not fight back for my rights.

Most of the time, my hamster sleeps or looks about from its little home, occassionally moving some shavings to suit its mood. Perhaps it dreams of this huge, strange world outside the cage where loud noises, greasy smells and huge feet stomp about the place, not to mention the occassionally cursings when the heated oil of the pan touches our skin or the frequent banging of the fridge door. It's too timid, maybe, to step out and explore. Even when I left the cage door open, it never steps out but waits by the opening. Only when I take it out for an excercise did it suddenly shoot across the floor on its little legs, excited by the new surroundings. Like the hamster, I too dare not step out into the new environment. Only when I'm sure someone's watching over me, taking care of my moves did I dare to explore.

My hamster is spoiled, it only picks the food it wants from the huge variety I gave him. I am spoiled too, especially when it comes to food. God only knows how irritated people are at my fussiness, just as my mother gets irritated by my hamster's fusiness. Me?Well, I find it amusing.

My hamster is quite vain, cleans itself every so often. I do too, no shame here. I like to keep myself looking presentable.

Excercise? Sure, my hamster only excercises when it has to. That is, when I'm cleaning its cage and it has nothing to do except to run on the wheel. It proved to be useful because it is slim and going strong (until its death). Nothing to boast about here but I only excercise when I have to too. Most of the time, I just am too lazy to start moving my limbs and hey, I haven't grown obese have I?

I wonder if my hamster have ever thought of a higher being. Perhaps I am its higher being. Whenever I talk to it, sing to it, it seems to listen sometimes. For example, at times, it stays there, quietly agreeing or disagreeing with what I said. Sometimes it ignores me, munching greedily on the sunflower seeds it managed to grab from its food bowl and store in its cheek pouches. Like me, when God talks, sometimes I listen, sometimes I don't.

Sometimes I feel guilty for not showering it with more attention and love. Perhaps, it feels at times I am close, at times I am so distant from it because there are some times when I stay there and share a moment with it. There are times when I hurriedly fed it and leave to do other things, never giving it much thought except an all-too-cheerful "good night". Sometimes God feels that way to me. So close that when I reach out, I probably could touch his robes and at times, so far that I wonder if I am merely talking to myself.

I thought about how it died and came to a conclusion that it was trying something, maybe to get out a situation? I don't know what but I could almost call it a suicide. Sometimes, when I try hard to do something, when I try hard to get out of a situation, I feel as though things were worse. After a while, I get so tired of all my unnecessary efforts that I feel...dead. Forgive the pun. When I think back of that situation, I realise the answer is just right in front of me. I don't have to struggle so much to get out.

Sometimes I expected my hamster to still be in the cage, walking about and waiting for me to come. When I think of its death, it feels so unrealistic, like a nightmare that I have long forgotten. But at least, I have gotten over it and I like to think my hamster is in a better place now. A world where there is all kinds of food for it to be picky and no one will be annoyed when it decides to be so, where there are green grass and little flowers instead of boring shavings and black bars, where the air is fresh and not greasy, where the bound is limitless and you can go anywhere safely...

*Based on a picture of a man holding a heart (a cow's heart I think) that is stitched up in three places. Since I can't paste the picture here, had to resort to describing...Anyway, happy belated valentine's day to all!*

It was just another day, but, this one was different, almost perfect...

Suddenly you looked at me, you placed your hand in my face, I thought you were going to kiss me, so I closed my eyes...

But you stabbed me in the chest.

I was lying on the floor, crawling, trying to reach you; You just smiled and you walked away leaving me behind.

You didn't need a knife to do harm, you only used your words, even now I can't get those words out of my mind; All my senses can't define my feeling...

I remained lying there for 4 days, finally, I had the strength to stand up, I looked around and there it was, broken in 3 pieces, but it was still moving, very slowly but moving, it was suffering.With tears in my eyes I started the needlework, the pain was leaving with every stitch, the hate was fading.

All those pieces were together again, I looked at it and it wasn't pretty anymore but it was stronger, wiser.Maybe in the future It will break again, but I will have to work less, the pieces will be smaller...

You didn't succed, I didn't die, I'm here, standing alone, your words will never hurt me, ever again..

By Temoc.(http://www.deviantart.com/)

Warning: This entry will contain much vulgarities. Rest assured that the writer will confess her sin after writing all the following words down.
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Damn it, the top sentence just can't be bold-ed.

Anyway, my hamster died today. As in, it died. It passed away.Its heart and lungs have long given up on their duties.

Shit it! I don't even know what to say!!!

I got out of my bathroom early this morning and my grandma told me to go check on my hamster because when she was sweeping the kitchen, there was a lot of ants at the area where the cage is. At that point of time, I knew already that it might have had died. But what puzzled me was...why were there so many ants around the body then? It never happened before to the previous hamsters I had but why this one?

So I went to the kitchen I saw the cage and the body and I was like "Holy fucking shit!!"

I know I'm not supposed to swear but fuck, when I saw that damn body, all sorts of vulgarities came right into my mind. The damn thing is that my hamster ain't sick, it didn't die of old age (it probably is going to since it's been, what? 3 years since I first took it in as a pet??)either, it died simply because it suffocated itself!!

I feel as though I've just seen a gruesome R21 scene or something...Half of its body is literally stuck between the bar that made up the second level with its house on and the bottom part of the cage. It caused the ridges at the end of the bar to strangle and cut into its body therefore, the blood lured the ants there.

I don't even know what the hell happened that caused it to end up in that position since the spacing is so small...I mean how could it fit its damn head through that bloody spacing and then get stuck, struggle, get stuck even further in until the end of the bar pokes into the tender part of its belly and then die of lack of oxygen and probably the ants?! Last night when I fed it at around midnight, it was still fine damn it! I fed it and pet it, sing to it, talk to it, bath it, play with it and I JUST LET THAT DAMN THING STRANGLE ITSELF SOMEWHERE THROUGH THE NIGHT!!! I can't believe what I saw, shit it, the fact that I'm a first aider? I mean ok, I'm not trained to save animals but I should have had checked on it before I slept!

And to find its body swarming with ants too?

I couldn't bear to look at it, moreover, to touch it. Waited till my mom comes home from work and begged her to pry the hamster out. She took a long time doing so and when she finished, she was saying how pitiful it looked because it was dented and bend because it was stuck in that bloody position and died there!!

Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit!!!

I just feel it's like all my fucking fault! I should have had checked on it before I sleep and damn it, why the bloody hell did it get stuck and die like that??? I lost my appetite and I'm seriously...argh! I don't know! Every time I close my eyes, the image of my hamster will just pop out of the darkness and I see it so fucking vividly!! Why did it have to die like that??

I think after this, I shan't be having any more pets. I have yet to wash the cage and I don't think I will be able to wash the cage, let alone see the cage because it reminds me of my hamster...I never wanted to name it because the hamster didn't belong to me, it belonged to God. We have no right to name it...